How?
How do I move on?
I guess this is hurting me more than I thought it would š¢
My chest feels tight all the time, since you said goodbye.
I canāt do this again with another person. I canāt try again.
in my eyes, heart and soul
my truth.. as i see, feel and know it..
5 Days of You (Collab Version)
Monday starts sweet and fun
We remind each other why we chase the sun
We would catch up and pretend I’m fine
Until I burn and assume you are mine
Tuesday sometimes is better
Our situationship feels truer
Unlimited late night romantic calls
Even just within our imaginary phone walls
Wednesday is all about you and me
Marriage and baby by year three
Our plans for the future funnily laid out
Our dream love enough to erase my doubt
Thursday always ends as fast as it came
My heart feeling the near end of the game
Our last goodnight for this week
Bittersweet thoughts even as we speak
Friday finally makes itās way
damn! You know I hate this day
Waking up to your reality is such a pain
My heart breaking in pieces, all over again.
We both know that it can be tough
But 5 days will never be enough
When both our hearts finally mend
Then we can love each other until the end.
-AandZ
5 Days of You
Monday starts sweet and fun
We would catch up and pretend allās fine
Remind each other why we chase the sun
Until I burn and assume youāre mine
Tuesday sometimes is better
Unlimited late night romantic calls
Our situationship feels truer
Even just within our phone walls
Wednesday is all about you and me
Our plans for the future funnily laid out
Marriage and baby by year three
Our dream love enough to erase my doubt
Thursday always ends as fast as it came
Our last goodnight for this week
My heart feeling the near end of the game
Bittersweet thoughts even as we speak
Friday finally makes itās way
Waking up to reality is such a pain
damn! You know I hate this day
My heart is breaking in pieces, all over again.
My Heart Cycle – then You.
At this age, I can easily recognize patterns that keep repeating in my life. Itās a constant cycle of the kind of people that I meet, and the choices I tend to make. I have come to identify signs I know I should be heeding,.
And yet, I keep on ignoring all the red bright lights flashing before me. The immature, crazy and adventurous me just loves the pain, struggle and selfishness the whole shebang brings.
But this time, it should be different. Iām much older now since this last happened to me and I should be wiser. I have responsibilities and people that I need to protect. The limited time of happiness, temptation and very scary consequences of karma should be enough to make me avoid your overwhelming seduction entirely.
And yet, here I am. Again. Slowly attaching. Getting addicted to your touch. To your scent as we share a coffee together. To your smile and your frown, both pinching my heart. And to all the conversation and trust you poured into me.
My heart is already in this way too deep Iām scared it would break. That hand that keeps on holding. Your eyes that melts when staring. Your kiss that is sooo sweet, I want to just hold you into mine. I am trying my damn hardest to not be swayed by you into something with no clear future. But you just keep coming. And I canāt resist.
And yes, I know this is going to burn me if it doesnāt go my way. I know that I will get hurt. I can pray and hope all I want. But what can I rally do, as much as I want to deny it, I already love you. I really do.
King and Queen of Hearts
“We’re the king and queen of hearts
Hold me when the music starts
All my dreams come true
When I dance with you. ” š¶
When the song started playing. I saw it hit you like it did me. You remembered too, didn’t you? How we danced to this song, thinking we will be dancing to it forever.
š¶ Did I dream that we danced forever.
In a wish that we made together
On a night that I prayed would never end.
But it did end.
-King and Queen of Hearts by David Pomeranz
Earth 24 : Our Favorite Fantasy
It’s almost 2am and the sun is about to shine. Cars are still over the horizon and ships are rolling down the hills. This world where fairy dusts and magic exists. Oh what a wonderful world this is.
Unlike Earth 1, Earth 24 is ours. This is The Home. This is where all paths lead back to each other. No matter how upside down the road is, the Fates favor us.
We met through a dream. Flying in the clouds, sliding on rainbows. Life we both loved and enjoyed. Moments we chose to let go. A future we no longer belong to.
Ain’t life too cruel? A fact that remains true in the multiverse. Ours will always be the right love, but never the right time. To wish for even just a short catch-up over coffee would be to costly. A price I’m sure we both won’t be willing to pay – even in this earth. Would you?
But, today is a gift we need to thank Lachesis for. It would be to much to ask more from her. She continues to twist our fate together, and we both can continue wondering why. Someday we might know. But that is something we have learned to accept. Until Chronos approves of us, see you on the next crossing.
Ps. I hope this reaches you.
Is it time for another post?
… maybe..
.. maybe not.
I guess it is š
The Heart of a Child
A gentle prayer; what it means to be a 2yr old..
May the spirit of this season remind us that our innocent princess is still a child.
She is barely 2. She does not fully understand what No means, let alone the consequences of spilling water on the bed, nor throwing all sorts of food everywhere.
She is still a child.
May the love we have for her and the love this season brings grant us wisdom to have unlimited patience and ever understanding faith in her. And the belief that one day she will grow up to be a better individual than each of us in her life, will ever be.
She is still a precious child.
Our dear elize has very little understanding of the world. She needs us to guide her. She needs arms that would hold her, and a heart full of love that would unselfishly support her and provide the very best for her. She needs us now to be extra loving.
She is blessed, and I am thankful.
Thank you for everything so far, and for everything you guys will ever be for her. We both are blessed to have you all, in every step of this journey called motherhood and toddler life.
I know she will be an amazing person one day. She already is š And she will be more. We have our experiences to help her make the best decisions in life. She will grow to be strong, loving, patient, understanding and God-fearing. For that is how I hope and pray we will teach her to be.
Please Tell Him
Can somebody please tell him to Let Me Go.
Because he doesn’t seem to be listening.
I can’t be with someone who says “Wala nako magagawa kung hindi ka na masaya”
I can’t be with someone who says “mananahimik na lang ako” everytime I rant out my pain
I can’t be with someone who clams up when I rant, then messages back a few days later, as if i have said nothing at all.
I can’t be with someone who thinks financial support is enough to be a father and my partner
I can’t be with someone who failed to understand post partum depression, and actually thought I was just being “maarte”
I can’t be with someone who doesn’t understand how difficult it is to be a mother, to work during the day, and care for our daughter during the night.
I can’t be with someone who fails to appreciate all my efforts as a mother, especially on Mother’s Day
I can’t be with someone whose horse is so high, he didn’t even greet me on our Anniversary, knowing for a fact, that these are some of the things I explicitely told him he needs to work on.
I can’t be with someone who doesn’t care what happens to me in cebu, nor wishes me to enjoy myself. Not to mention, not wanting me to go in the first place.
I can’t be with someone I have given multiple chances, forgave so many times, and yet remains as clueless as ever.
I can’t be with someone who thinks saying sorry fixes everything.
I can’t be with someone who fails to understand what it means to love, care and support, and just fails in every way possible.
I can’t be with someone who can’t make me happy – this he even told me himself.
I can’t be with someone I can no longer forgive.
I can’t be with someone I no longer Love.
Can somebody please tell him, I can’t be with him anymore.
And I hope he would listen to you.
The Real Score – my road to happiness
How do I begin? I guess by stating that, despite of everything that had happened, I can still say that he is a good man, but he’s just not the right one for me.
For privacy purposes, LOL, let’s name him Jacob. So here is our story…
Our relationship is not the traditional start. We were not friends first. Nor did we know each other very well. Things just happened in an instant. We both loved mountaineering, and it just happens to be that we belong in a common mountaineering group. Although Jacob and I never attended in any mountaineering event of our group at the same time, that was where our connection began.
One day, he just messaged me in FB messenger, and introduced himself. I was very doubtful at first, but hey, I was single, so I entertained him. When I found out that he is a seafarer, I took a step back, I know for a fact then that I am not the kind of girl that can be in a long distant relationship, let a alone a seafarer’s girl friend. A few weeks later into the getting to know stage, he said that he is still in a relationship. I mean, WTF right? He kept insisting that there is nothing more going on between them, and that a finality is just around the bend. I told Jacob, that if he is so sure, then why not just end it the right way. Or fix it, if that is what he wants. Then he says, that what they have, is beyond repair.
So we met a few times more, even going on trips with his friends. We started dating, I guess that is what that is, but there was no definition. And I was okay with that, or I thought I was. I can’t remember now how it happened, but I found out that I had become the reason why they officially broke up. So I ended up being a 3rd party in a relationship I thought was over to begin with.
I should have known then, how wrong this relationship will be.
That was summer of 2014. It was brief but pure bliss, despite the obviously unfortunate beginning. Despite the fact that he cheated on his girlfriend with me, we continued to be a thing. We became an official something. Then it was time for him to go back on board, and I was stuck in a Long Distance Relationship that I never wanted.
Fast forward 2016. I got tired of the cycle. The sweetness and the care only happens when he is here. All the uncertainties, lack of affections, and excuses when he is on board. At first I thought that it was okay, and that I can understand that he really can’t do anything for me because of the distance and the lack of means to be the loving and the caring man I want him to be. But then I saw that all of it was just an excuse. I can see friends with seafarer partners, that get surprises and sweet messages, andĀ a lot more. There are those that don’t feel as if their partners are far. Excuses is what he is good at, and I got tired. He lacks the desire, initiative and love to make me happy.
I tried breaking up with Jacob when his work contract ended April 2016. But he begged. He literally went down to his knees and begged for me to give him a chance. And I did. I gave him a chance. Then we found out that we are pregnant June 2016. And thinking back, I guess that was intentional. A week later, I accidentally saw his conversation with his Ex-girlfriend. The ex that ended because he ended it with me. Apparently, Jacob was trying to get back with her. She told her that he isn’t happy with me anymore, and that he is just waiting for the opportunity to break up with me.
I crumbled to pieces. The conversation was dated May 2016. A month after he begged in front of my house. I remember telling him then that I’m breaking it off, and that he doesn’t need to worry about our baby. I remember telling him that I’m giving him an out, and I can raise the baby on my own.
He apologized profusely. Saying that everything will change because we now have a family. And because I wanted to give the baby the best possible chance in life, I agreed.
He went on board again. Apparently he is still the same. The only thing that changed is his excitement for the baby’s coming. I see now that he cared for me, only because he cares for the well being of our daughter.
Forward again to 2017. I asked him to try fixing the papers so that our daughter can use his surname and that he can be recognized as the father. We are not married, and so by law, he has to be present when I give birth to personally be able to sign our daughters birth certificate. And since he will still be on board by my due date, I insisted he process the papers. But he failed on that too.
My daughter, in every legal aspect, is my daughter alone. She uses my surname, and that I am the only legal parent. Her name is Justine Elize Garcia, and I love her unconditionally. My heart is filled with my love for her. And I thought everything will be perfect. I thought everything will be okay with us. I actually thought Jacob would mature and adjust to his new role as a father and as a partner in life to me.
I experienced post partum depression. I was always exhausted. I felt all the pressure and loneliness of being alone. I was also traumatized from child birth. I didn’t want to have sex. Aside from not wanting to get pregnant again, and I just couldn’t. I was feeling more and more tired by the hour. And all I needed was understanding and support. Every time Jacobs asks if we could be intimate, I try to explain that I can’t. I was hoping he would understanding. Child birth is the most difficult thing I have experienced in my life so far, and yet he refuses to understand. Instead he claims, I’m just being unreasonable – “nag iinarte”. There again he failed to be the supportive man I needed him to be. Jacob, again is still failing to be the kind of partner I need in life. Becoming a father hasn’t changed him one bit.
Another year into our relationship, Jacob never failed even once to provide for our daughter’s needs. He gives financial support for her vaccines, medicines, food, diaper, and things. I can praise him for that. He has been a good provider, and I appreciate all of it. He even provided for her 1st birthday party. And I’m deeply thankful.
But still I felt unloved, unappreciated and alone. Except for my family and friends of course. I felt that I’m going through this parenthood as a single mother. I talked to him for the Nth time about it. Explaining that I can’t feel any love anymore. And as always, he simply ignores my rants. He believes that being quiet after a conversation rant is a sign of maturity. Thus when I rant away, he clams up. Offering no solution, at all. Then he messages back a few days later, normal good morning messages, as if no rant conversation happened. This is a another cycle with him. AND i’m getting sick of it.
Jacob surprised me for my birthday, April 2018. That was a shocker. He managed to have a bouquet of flowers delivered to my work. I thought after that effort, he would be consistent. I thought he understood then what I needed him to be. It might sound demanding. But it’s actually not much. I just need him to make me feel loved, and appreciated with all the effort I had put to ensuring my daughters safety, care and well being. I’m not asking something I don’t deserve. I’m not asking for expensive things. I even postponed the idea of the marriage, until well, until we are both ready, mentally, emotionally and financially.
But again, for the Nth time, he still failed me. He is still continuously failing me. Mother’s day went by, and all I got is a “Happy Mother’s Day”. That’s it. Not even a single thanks for all my hard work in taking care of our daughter, while going to my own work during the day. Our anniversary day went by, not even a single message of love.
I can’t remember the last time he said “I love you” and I really felt it. And with all honesty, I can’t remember the last time I said it too, and really meant it. I’m sure we both out grew the love we had. I have no love for him anymore.
I’m not HAPPY anymore. I haven’t been happy for sometime now. I’m happy with my daughter, but I’m not happy with you. And all I want is to be happy. Is that too much to ask? After 4 years, I’m sure my happiness is not with Jacob. He even said so himself “Wala na ako magagawa kung hindi ka na masaya sa akin”. And I can’t live like that forever.
And so here I am at the point of asking for my freedom. I have tried to explain to him so many times lately that I’m not happy anymore. And it’s as if he is not hearing me. I feel that Jacob is intentionally not understanding, not accepting and not believing that I can’t live a life where I’m not loved, supported and appreciated.
So I’m hoping and praying that somebody else will explain to him that he needs to let me go. To let me be happy. Because I can’t anymore. This is where we stand now. The reality behind the smiles in our social media profiles. This is the real score. And my fight to freedom and happiness.
in my eyes, heart and soul 